| I came here to escape, for a break, for family, to teach, to learn, to understand, to explore, to discover, to find the path that He has already laid out for me, but most importantly, to grow. When it comes to adventures, I have had my share, but nothing too spectacular, yet. I have spent three months adjusting, learning, crying, getting lost, eating cake, teaching, waiting, reading, reflecting, writing, observing, and considering options. For so many years I felt unable to breathe, under such constant stress and with so much pressure to do the “right thing” that in a cliché and typical sense, I never knew the “right thing” for me. For many years I have been defined by what I do, not who I am, and who God created me to be. As much as I miss everyone, everything familiar, and the ability to feel at home, I needed distance to be able to find ME – in an emo sort of way. Never before in my life have I felt so lost, so scared, so depressed, so incapable, so stupid, or so confused. Every choice I used to make had seemingly direct and simple consequences, and more importantly, I knew the system. I could navigate and manipulate the system. In Brazil, the system manipulates me – it has broken me down to the point where I have felt powerless and never before have I been humbled this way. And it is exactly what I need. Here, my resumé means nothing. No one cares if I can plan a service project or write an essay. No one cares about my GPA or my letters of recommendation. It doesn’t matter if I seemed strong and capable before. Here, I am a pawn. I can only make one step at a time, and almost any government structure, business, or off-schedule bus can break me. Pawns are used and discarded – both of which I have experienced here. But, pawns have other pawns. My friends are few, but great. Brazilians are amazing – so willing to help, giving even what they can’t afford to give. They share themselves, their perspectives, and their hearts. But even with the help of many great people, I have never felt alone. For this pawn, the battle is internal. I have enjoyed the city, danced, sung, shopped, walked, taught, walked, waited, fallen in and out of love, lied and been lied to, helped and been helped, been wounded deeply and am now healing. I have wanted to update, but was waiting for things to get better. Every day, though, things seemed to become more complicated, but finally I realized that the solution was simple. Relax. Enjoy. Change. It’s been more than three months now, and I feel like I am finally alive here. My cousin told me that for three months I would be depressed in another country, and I think believing in this more than anything else let me stay sad. I received a Christmas miracle of hope for the New Year – and not that it has been any easier, but 2008 is already ringing in more love and wonderful occurrences than I could have hoped for at the end of 2007. Tomorrow, I move out. I am grateful for the time I have had, free of work, to read passages, to think about my life, my goals, and those I love. I have a new perspective, a new patience, and a new outlook. I know this makes no sense, but the details are too complicated for even me to understand, because while it has been a seemingly uneventful three months, it has also been the most personally challenging three months of my life. At one point I gave up and bought a ticket home. Then one of my students convinced me that I couldn’t leave without doing what I came here to do. Tomorrow I move out of this quiet place for more excitement. Now that I have been broken down I’m ready to rebuild. I found an incredible roommate in an adorable apartment on the Rodeo Drive of São Paulo – but for $200 a month. I have access to the Metrô, trains, and buses that function. I’ll get lost, but at least I’ll be lost in the fun part of the city. I’ll be busy teaching, and will probably wish I had never asked for more work – but I’ve already had my sabbatical. Now I need to find my place here. At once I was tempted to look into staying here. That has come and gone, and while I will do all I can to “aproveitar” every moment here, I have also learned to appreciate the country so many of us political pessimists complain so easily about. “Estou com suadades” I miss … everything and everyone, but the sun is now rising on a real adventure here. Thanks for the support, it makes more of a difference than you understand! I love you all!!! Here’s to 2008! |
But of course, I
wouldn't have it any other way. 
God gave me a break at
the airport - and as awkward as it is to be in the airport for so long,
it's nice to sit here and relax! 
